We were doing comparative adjectives and my JTE suggested the activity was:
‘CARLA is ___________ than *****-SENSEI.”
Bit of a risky one but I said it was OK.
After comparing palm span, foot size, arm length and height in front of the bairns she declares cheerfully:
“Wow everything is bigger than me!”
It’s a good thing I’m not sensitive.
Welcome to Japan: where I’m a giant at 5’4.
~ Carla
When you have a cracking headache and the bairns all come traipsing into the teacher’s room to play you their new song on the recorder…
~ Carla
So last weekend I ordered a mojito in a bar and it rocked up as a bottle of VK.
Hamamatsu truly is the Sunderland* of Japan.
~ Carla
*Despite the name of this blog, I am neutral towards Mackemland – my alma mata is the University of Sunderland and therefore I’m allowed to make such jokes. So there.
Last week we asked the third graders to think of a topic to have a three minute conversation with me in front of the rest of the class with my JTE grading them.
We suggested to keep it simple: hobbies, food, music, travel etc.
First student:
ME: Hello ____________, what is your topic?
STUDENT: Coronavirus.
UPLIFTING.
Other topics included:
Star Wars, Baby Yoda, Japanese Youtubers, Shimazu Yoshihisa (an ancient Japanese warlord), Minecraft, Donald Trump, BTS, Super Smash Bros, Netflix and Avicii’s suicide.
And anyways the entire class fell about laughing when one guy was trying to tell me he wants to be a baker but pronounced it “baka.”
~ Carla
PRO TIP: Don’t tell elementary school bairns that you’re squicked out by amphibians when the class pet is a frog because they WILL chase you around the room with it.
~ Carla
The junior high school’s chorus festival was a pretty fancy affair at a big concert hall, and knowing parents and the PTA were going I dressed in my best suit, my favourite handbag, wore my hair down and put on a bit of makeup.
A third grader came over, complimented me on my Kate Spade and advised:
“You look cute today Miss Carla, you should dress like that always.”
Noted.
On the upside I told my friend Faith who found this hilarious and advised me to now announce myself as “いつも かわいい” / “itsumo kawaii!” (“always cute!”) which has somewhat become my catchphrase. It’s rude, so the bairns love it.
~ Carla
Recently at school I have been wearing my hair in it’s ‘usual style’ – down and flat ironed with a side fringe instead of the scraped-back high ponytail I’d been sporting since August.
However one student has told me that my hair looks like “spaghetti”, and a teacher asked if I am cold and using my hair as a scarf.
I think they’re hinting that I need to invest in a nice hair mask soon.
~ Carla
(*It’s from ‘The Princess Diaries’.)
In my first grade of junior high I set a task where the students had to draw a character, then briefly describe them underneath.
However the entire class fell into hysterics when a boy at the front didn’t bother doing the activity, but drew Anpanman with a massive willy.
~ Carla
This is going to be a series of bite-sized posts I’m calling JKMH (Japan Keeping Me Humble) documenting the hilarious things people say to me in Japan – from innocent faux pas and backhanded compliments to being downright rude.
I have a very self-deprecating sense of humour, so don’t worry – most of this isn’t stuff to cause me great offense. I’m mostly thick-skinned, and find it very easy to distinguish whether someone is being funny or just blatantly being a douche.
And so without further ado…
At my elementary school I have to sit with the bairns during lunchtime – this involves perching awkwardly on a tiny chair and squeezing behind an equally tiny desk. A small boy ran over to me enthusiastically and declared:
“Miss Carla big! Chair fall down!”
Thanks, kid.
~ Carla
The Geordie Gaijin 
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